I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate the holidays during 2020. Reflecting on the turbulent and emotional events of the past year didn’t leave me feeling particularly thankful or put me in the “Christmas spirit.” By the time Christmas Eve rolled around, my mood hadn’t improved in the slightest. Past Christmas Eves were spent with family and extended family. Instead, I spent the night alone playing Batman: Arkham Origins, a videogame in which Batman takes on a host of villains on Christmas Eve. My cat, Xena, slept next to me on the couch as I punched and kicked my way across the snowy rooftops of Gotham City until daybreak on Christmas morning. She awoke at 6:30 a.m. and screamed for breakfast, as she had done every morning since I adopted her earlier that year. I fed her and headed to bed to grab a few hours of sleep, content that I had kept the people of Gotham safe for another day. Later that afternoon, I visited my parents for the first time in months and had a quiet and subdued Christmas dinner together. We opened gifts, ate dinner and sat around the Christmas tree catching up after spending most of the year apart. For a short while, we tried to live in the present and be with each other.
I experienced a whole rollercoaster of emotions during 2020: depression, loneliness, anger, confusion, and uncertainty. National and global events of recent years have no doubt irrevocably changed a lot of us, for better or worse, and I’m no different. As I near the end of my 20s and reflect on how the last few years have changed me, I’m doing my best to be proud of the man I’m becoming and to be thankful for the lessons I’ve learned from living with these difficult emotions for some time.
My depression taught me to walk softer and be more empathetic to others. My loneliness taught me to value the time I spend with my loved ones and to better understand myself when I’m alone. My anger, which used to be random and destructive, has become refined and direct. I am trying to use my anger to create something positive or right wrongs where I see them. My confusion made me more active in seeking answers and solving problems. My uncertainty taught me to accept the things I cannot change and attempt to control the things I can.
As 2021 comes to a close, I find myself grappling with a lot of these same emotions. I am trying to learn even more from them. But this year, above all else, I can truly say that I feel thankful. I am thankful that my family and friends still have their health, their laughter, and their strength. I am thankful that I have spent the year rediscovering myself and my passions after losing them. I am thankful that I have persevered and tried to improve myself, to be a better person in a world full of nasty and cruel people. I am thankful for my cat’s unending love and stupidity, and for giving me something to take care of when it was difficult to take care of myself. I am thankful for the opportunities and changes coming to me in the near future.
My cat is asleep in my bedroom, curled up on her bed on top of my dresser. On the other side of my house, my new cat, Tortilla, is resting in my bathroom. She’s a stray I took care of for a few months, and after trying to reunite her with her owners, I decided to adopt her. She’s spent a few days acclimating to her new home and so far, things have been going well. The two cats are in the process of becoming introduced to each other, and though each time they meet I am filled with anticipation and dread, I’m hopeful they’ll be happy together in our little home.
I’m also a few days away from my first powerlifting competition. I’m exhausted from months of training and long hours in the gym. Once again, I feel anticipation and dread as I picture climbing onto the platform, looking out into a sea of faces, and attempting my first lift. I’m also trying to picture the applause, the back slaps and fist bumps of my friends and fellow athletes, and the chance to see them showcase their skills too. I’m hopeful this is my first competition of many.
I’m thinking about my new partner. It’s been an incredible few months growing closer to them and becoming open and vulnerable with them. It’s an entirely new experience to share who I am with someone on such a deep level. I can’t wait to take our relationship further and continue on this strange, wonderful journey we’ve started together.
Life is a strange, wonderful journey. The last few years have been tough on all of us, but there is a lot to be thankful for too. I hope you try your best to be thankful. I hope you are with your loved ones this holiday season. I hope you find time to live in the present and be with each other.
See you next year.
